Change Me As We Go

Archive for the month “December, 2010”

Next Station is 2011.

Happy New Year 2011 everyone!

Please do not drink and drive! Many lives have been lost on the way home from NYE parties and impaired driving remains the leading criminal cause of death in Canada. Don’t put your life, that of your friends, or that of other people on the road at risk. It would really be DUMB of you to die or kill or injure someone because you were under influence. Let alone ruin everyone’s NY celebrations. So yea. Drink responsibly if you’re going to.

That being said, moving on to more positive things xD I don’t have resolutions yet but I have this:

Between Jan 01 2010 and Jan 01 2011, I will have accomplished a lot. I hope that 2011 will be even more intense (can we skew that a bit to have most intensity on the good side of things?). I usually don’t like December much. But January feels slightly better because it’s a new start. I like new starts 🙂

As I said, December isn’t exactly my favourite time of the year, and this year has been even worse. So to cheer myself up, I tried writing down things that I’m proud to have accomplished in 2010. This isn’t a complete list but I think it’s decent enough. It’s mostly for me that I’m writing today. I know, what a selfish way to end the year lol. As I said in the post linked below, it’s the opportunity to write a better chapter of our life..

When you’re too lazy to make NY resolutions just yet, making a list of things you accomplished tricks your conscience into letting you slack off a little bit more 🙂
Here goes:

1. Raised Rs. 10650 for charity in Mauritius and participated in 89 Chestnut’s Haiti fundraiser.
2. Released my first EP, Change Me As We Go, in Toronto and in Mauritius.
3. Played 13 original shows and several guest appearances around the GTA.
4. Improved musicianship through constant gigging, improved grades at school, got first job.
5. Encouraged and helped many people close to my heart to believe in themselves enough to try. It worked 🙂
6. Met many amazing people.
7. Invested myself fully into something I strongly believed in. It didn’t work out. But having the trust to invest oneself wholly is difficult and I’m glad I tried.
8. Found the strength to pull myself out of the most painful situation I can recall facing in the recent years. Never give up, no matter what. Rise every time we fall says Confucius…
9. Made people I care about feel loved and valued in my life. Nothing makes you happier than making someone else happy.
10. Tried my best to adapt to whatever changes life sent my way, and tried to have more of a life compared to the past few years 😉

Make your own list, hopefully it will make you smile 🙂

Photo taken during Mauritian CD release by Marjorie LEE

if (promises !=null && promiesKept != null){
catch (NullPointerException dreamOn)
throw new GetOut(“Faulty input. Get next input”);

Short Trip to the Dark Side of the Moon

Too much of anything is a bad thing.
It applies to altruism as much as it applies to selfishness. It applies to love as much as it applies to fear. It’s valid for food, water, possessions, friends… It applies to everything. Except maybe Ideas. I haven’t decided about that one yet. But basically, when you have too much of a good thing, life becomes a jealous *beach* (no profanity! ;P) and snatches it away with just a “HA!”. And life skips merrily away leaving you stomping the floor purple-faced.

I haven’t written any blog in a long time because I had too much to say. Too many feelings to express that I decided to suppress them instead. Too many conflicting thoughts tormenting my brain. I started writing posts many times but ended up deleting them because I could see no value in them. Not that I want to keep this optimistic image or anything but whatever I had wasn’t constructive in any way. It was quite destructive actually.

I was hurt, and I needed to be understood. I wanted to express myself but could not articulate my state of mind. It was frustrating but I was too close to the situation to write about it. I buried myself into my work instead, hoping to channel that excess energy into something productive. It so happened that I got assigned a big chunk of an ambitious project at that point, so it worked out. I worked overtime more days than I can remember and I don’t regret it. I got lots done.

I tried talking to people, but as usual it barely helps. Most people just tell me things I already know. Most people feel like they have to talk, and give advice. Barely anyone ever listens. Active listening is a skill that unfortunately too few people have. We tend to bring other people’s problems back to ourselves or just throw off random advice without much thought sometimes.

I find writing more efficient than talking because I know that, in the end, the only one who can make you feel better is yourself. It just requires a lot of will and hard work. Writing things down helps make sense of it all and understanding. If I understand, I feel somewhat understood. Then I don’t need people to understand. And then I can independently feel better.

One advice I had was to stop caring. If you don’t care, you don’t hurt. I considered it. I know it works, and I know a lot of people go by that rule. But it’s just not me. When I do something, I wanna be fully into it. I feel happiness 100% when I’m happy. And when I’m hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, whatever it is, I let myself feel it 100% too. Some might think it’s stupid or that I’m hurting myself but I think I’m actually accelerating the healing process that way. I think that once you’ve reached your pain limit, things just automatically get better anyway.

After weeks of internal debate, frustration, anger, confusion, despise, tears, malnutrition and all sorts of negative things, I’ve come to terms with my current situation. I’m slowly finding myself being able to function normally again. I wouldn’t say the chapter is over, but I’d say we’re past the climax and things start to settle down a bit, within the aftermath. I’m making conscious efforts to become the person I used to be and love being. A rather sociable, optimistic, motivated, independent and happy person. I’m not too too far, yet it feels far enough.

Part of me doesn’t want to publish this post. When I was a kid, I used to feel the pressure to appear strong, always, because I physically looked stronger than all the skinny chicks around. This has made me quite resilient over time. I hate showing any sign of weakness. I always show my pain after I’ve dusted myself off the floor first. And given my urge to express myself, I became pretty good at getting back to my feet quick no matter what. A friend once told me “suffering is private“. I didn’t understand its meaning much until now. But I have never feared being judged by people and I won’t start now.

On a somewhat brighter note, this version of the song makes Rihanna sound 10 times better than usual. The chorus is BS. No one likes lies. But somehow I like that song.

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