Change Me As We Go

Archive for the month “February, 2011”

No Perfect Goodbye

No matter how life decides to take someone away, it will always seem too soon, unfair, and sad. We wish people we love could stay with us forever but they never do. We expect children to outlive their parents, but they don’t always. The loss is even more tragic in such cases. When I heard of the two 19-yr-olds drowned at Tamarin (Mauritius), I couldn’t help but feel it was too soon, unfair, and sad. I felt the same way when, a year ago, I lost a dear friend who succumbed to her childhood illness. Before that, I’ve seen people I care about lose someone they love and it has inspired me to write “No Perfect Goodbye”. Loss brings back and intensifies every emotion we have felt towards the person: love, regret, guilt, happiness, everything. It’s probably the hardest thing any of us ever face in our entire lives. So to those parents who have just lost not only a son, but an entire lifetime of emotional, social and financial investment, I wish them to be strong enough to get through this cruel phase of their life. My deepest sympathy to the families and friends of the victims.

No Perfect Goodbye lyrics:

Is this the moment we realize we’re all equal and all human?
Is this the point where I have no energy left for hate?
I feel I lost so much time away from you or fighting you
I hope that I didn’t take you for granted

Oh, please don’t go
It’s too soon, it’s too sad
I guess there can be no perfect goodbye
No perfect goodbye

Now it’s clear I have to cherish those around me before they leave
I hope you’re near, I hope you’re happy and proud of me and all I am
I’ll remember the words you said, the jokes you made and your way of thinking
I’ll remember your smile

Oh, please don’t go
It’s too soon, it’s too sad
I guess there can be no perfect goodbye
No perfect goodbye

Sooner or later you’d have to leave this world and go
Today or tomorrow the pain would still feel so unfair

I guess there can be no perfect goodbye
No perfect goodbye

What do you see?

One thing that we often don’t realize is that we only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. And that’s a very inaccurate representation of reality, whatever that reality may be.

For example, think of one person that you think is (or thought was) the most charming person on earth (or something close).

Now write down or think of 10-15 qualities that you think that person has that makes him/her so amazing.

Now for each of these, think of an example of an incident, a gesture, an action, something they said that proves that they have this quality. Is this getting hard yet?

Now can you recall observing that same person 1) reacting to a stressful situation 2) in an argument that he/she is passionate about 3) under social/political/peer pressure 4) in a delicate situation 5) in an emergency situation… ? Do they still have all those qualities you thought they possess in those situations? If you don’t know, that’s not a yes. It’s not a no, but it’s not a yes.

My point is that we don’t know someone very well unless we’ve seen them and know how they react in extreme conditions. The problem is that, until that happens, we don’t really know much and our brain cannot stand it. It makes up stuff. Hence we fantasize on the heroic qualities and assign them to our “idol”. In our mind, if they’re awesome in a certain way, they’re probably awesome in that way too, and that way too. It just makes sense!

But it really doesn’t. Our mind confabulates. We create this image of people in our heads. And that image is not who they are, but who we want them to be. Sooner or later, the person will do things that will contradict this perception that we have of them. Hello disappointment.We got tricked! But not by the person we thought… By our own mind!

Problem number 2 is that our  brain is a little stubborn and messed up when it comes to corrections. We can find lots of flaws in our initial perception and yet, we are still attached to it. We don’t wanna let it go. It’s too hard to accept the fact that we were wrong all along and that all we saw was merely a reflection of our own desires, nothing to do with the actual reality. So we hold on to the fantasy and hurt ourselves and possibly the person too.

For now, I’m trying to keep in mind that, whoever I think people are, it’s possible that they are not. Even when I am strongly convinced otherwise. We cannot start accepting people for who they are when we only like them for who we want them to be. So this is my effort to get to know people for who they are. It’s really hard not to make any assumptions. We’re wired that way. But I’m gonna try untangling some wires and see how much floor space gets cleaned up in the server room 🙂

I’m not sure if this is clear or making sense. I know for some of you, your perception of me indicates I don’t need sleep, but I do right now 😛

If it makes any sense and is of any insight, please feel free to tweet, post, share, whatever you call it.

Over and Forever. Happy 17th

Not so long ago, I was looking forward to this day. Very eagerly. It was going to be full of happiness and warm fuzzy feelings and all that crap. Of course, things never turn out the way we want them to. However, since 2011, everything has been going for the better and I felt like it was getting easier faster than I expected. A few weeks ago, I was happier than I had been in months. I felt free, alive, and content. When surrounded by the right people, things get brighter. But a bunch of stupid dates can mess up your mind so much it’s not even funny. The good part is that this was the last thing I had been looking forward to. It can all be buried, burned, drowned or otherwise destroyed from now on. There is nothing left that can hurt me anymore. This was the last thing that I knew would poke at my mended wounds, but no bleeding this time. That was all so 2010. We’re 2011 now. Time for newer, bigger, better, faster and easier. Lol I can’t believe I just said that. MA ftw?

Why You Need to Fail – by Derek Sivers

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