Change Me As We Go

Archive for the month “March, 2012”

Derniere Ligne Droite

I’m not sure what the English translation is for the title expression 🙂 Next week is the VERY LAST week of my undergraduate degree and I’m excited. I’m also slightly scared of the 4 computer science assignments that are due that week. It will be (and has been for the past 2 months) an intense 10 or so days of programming. I’m gonna try to enjoy it before it comes to an end. We CS kids complain a lot about the work load but I think secretly we do enjoy it, including the stress and the mind-boggling problems we attempt to solve. Soon enough, I will write my final exams. Then I’ll walk across the stage in a robe and will receive my piece of paper. If I were to rewind to first year, there are many things I would’ve done differently, had I known what my interests would be now. But what’s done is done, and maybe every mistake contributed to my current state of mind as much as my successes did. The next step is looking for a job. I hope to find a job that is inspiring. I’d like to try something different. Maybe a different city? Paris. London. Vancouver. Would be cool. But at the same time, I love Toronto. We’ll see… I have a few projects lined up to keep me busy over the summer and I’m also going home! I’ve missed my island 🙂 The uncertainties remain and every now and then, the gripping fear of being dissatisfied with my life a few years down the road still resurfaces. We made friends. I made friends with fear. We fight a lot but I can be a competitive friend. So I try to win. I rationalize, telling myself that I’m in a transition phase and that it’s normal to freak out every now and then. And that’s true. Luckily, I have a few special people in my life who always find a way to cheer me up. Most of the time, it’s unconscious. All this anxiety comes from the feeling that I could have accomplished so much more during my 5 years here. And it is true. But everyone could say that. Plus, instead of complaining, I should rather do something about it. So I am 🙂 And that’s the best way I know to battle fear. Take it by the horns and stare it down. Stare it down while ninja fighting the various obstacles thrown your way. At least that’s the way I’ve always dealt with it. Seems to work… How do you battle fear? Leave a comment 🙂

1 year already!

A year ago, I had 2 IVs in my arms, needed an oxygen mask to breathe properly, and was about to get on an operation table. There were only 2 things on my mind. 1: I’m gonna have a huge scar. 2: My family must be freaking out. My family includes the extended family. I wasn’t worried about me, I knew I’d be fine. But them, I was worried they’d worry themselves sick.

The surgery went well, I recovered. Tons of stuff happened. Many good things, a few bad things too, but that led me to where I am now. I’m thankful for all those who contributed to my recovery in any way. During and after my “forced vacation” I’ve had time to reflect on what I truly want to do with my life and, slowly but surely, the answer is revealing itself.

 A year later, here I am. I am 100% back to normal health, taking 6 courses and a part time job. When I turned 24 earlier this year, I didn’t think “damn getting old”. I thought “I could’ve been dead but I’m still alive. That’s awesome”. I have found my nerdy passion again and am pursuing it to the best of my abilities. Life is great. I even appreciate stress because there was a time when I couldn’t go out and I’d be bored out of my mind begging to go to work.

It’s flippin fantastic to be able to lift my arms or sneezing without excruciating pain, or breathing without difficulty, or even walking without fearing someone would accidentally bump into me. I’m glad for this experience. It has rejuvenated me, invigorated me. I’m still young, and I don’t take life for granted.

Does it get any better?

 If you had similar experiences or are anxious about surgery-related issues, I’d be glad to hear from you. Comment 🙂

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