Change Me As We Go

Archive for the month “April, 2013”

Amy Winehouse

I had never really been a big fan of hers. I didn’t know her or her music. I didn’t think too much of it when she passed away. Today, I listened to her father’s book describing her battle against drugs, terrible men, paparazzis and alcohol. She had been clean of drugs since 2008, and almost over her alcoholism. It was such a sad story. Just when things seemed to finally look stable, she was gone. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this book but it gave me new insight into the world of addiction and the lonely battle that addicts have to fight. Their many lapses. The people. The good and the bad people. There were many anecdotes that demonstrated her altruistic nature despite her eccentricities. She once rented horses 24/7 so that local kids could ride them for free. She was truly generous. I have to admit I had never thought that about her. I have to admit that I probably believed (or didn’t really question) whatever I saw in the news but it’s disgusting to learn how people made money from making up cruel sensational stories about her. Let’s give Lindsay Lo a break shall we?

Difficult things

Let them go
Without breaking the flow

Let them win
Without losing within

Keep them close
They who hurt you most

Say I lose
But don’t show any bruise

Still remember
The forgotten, buried under

Still remember
That memory is a player

Bare your soul
To people in a role

Wait in silence
For the world’s sentence

Keep a secret
Knowing it spells regret

Trust the fool
To be your very fuel

Confront yourself
Before confronting someone else

See your faults
Before unlocking the blame vault

In the fun and the game
Believe again with no shame

Do You Believe?

I think it doesn’t matter what I believe. Things that cannot be proved are not worth arguing over. No one can win and everyone will lose. I don’t know if there is or isn’t a higher being. But if there is one, I sure hope it doesn’t write our “fate”. I don’t believe in fate. Otherwise, anything bad I do could just be “fate” and a “blessing in disguise”. I could transfer all responsibility for unfavourable outcomes to “fate”. No thanks. I rather own it and call my successes/failures my own. Please don’t tell me things happen for a reason. I tend to stop hanging out with you after that. 

Written Therapy

I just published a bunch of posts that were sitting in my drafts since as far back as 2010. I think they all have something in common. They were posts that I wrote when things were not going so well, and usually I try to keep my posts positive. I think it’s okay for me to indulge in some negativity/uncertainty every now and then, don’t you think?

Writing usually helps me articulate my thoughts so usually I tend to have a “solution” of some sort in the post simply because I found my solution. I suppose the recent posts are examples of when writing didn’t actually bring me to a conclusion but the process always helps nonetheless.

I’m looking forward to my songwriting session in a few hours. It’s funny but two decades later, still nothing else cheers me up like longitudinal waves hitting my eardrums with just the right frequency and rhythm. Songwriting is like performing magic. Creating something out of seemingly nothing. Turning lows into highs every time life makes a dent on us (or others!). The pen is like a magician’s hat. You never know what will come out of it.

Why You Need To Regret

It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve had the idea for this post but never had the energy to write it. “Live Life With No Regrets” is one of the most unrealistic mantras that Western culture has popularized. I personally think regret is crucial to advancement.

Regrets are the difference between what you did, and what you should have done. I think regret helps us focus on immediate areas of improvement. As long as regret lasts, it contributes to our thought process and our decisions. I think regrets motivate us to become a better version of ourselves, because they remind us that a better outcome could have been possible had we done the right thing. If you’re not thinking about what you wish you did differently, how you could have prevented having this regret in the first place, then you’re not regretting.

So… If you don’t regret wasting your time, how can you become efficient?
If you don’t regret causing someone to break down, who says you won’t do it again?
I’m not talking about momentary regret where you just kind of feel bad/guilty but then forget about it by checking facebook. I mean lasting regret. The kind that makes you think “DAMN, why did I do that? Why didn’t I do X instead? I so could have avoided Y & Z”.

I think we need stop trying to always feel good about ourselves and occasionally let ourselves become vulnerable enough to admit our faults, to appreciate the pain we cause, and to truly remedy the situation if it isn’t too late. Apologies are nice, but how about avoiding actions/words that would require apologies in the first place? Doesn’t that sound like a good idea? But how can you ever achieve that if you don’t truly take time to appreciate the consequences of your wrongdoings? THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO REGRET.

Mauritius 30.03.2013 – Killed by the Weatherman

Easter was not so celebratory this year in Mauritius. On March 30th, flash floods claimed 11 lives on paradise island. Most of them were caught by surprise in a pedestrian subway, which was allegedly filled within seconds. Easter Monday was declared an official day of mourning as the island struggled to recover from the shock. In the above video, we’re shown a house where the water rose up to the ceiling. The damage costs are yet to be estimated but distaster management teams from Singapore and UK are investigating. The UNDP as well as the Commission de L’Ocean Indien are also working towards recommendations on mitigating such risks in the future.

Please donate to any of the following links to help families affected by the floods.

My thoughts go to all those who have been affected by the flood. The solidarity of Mauritians has been incredible, as expected. May our little paradise shine again soon. 


Oct 10, 2010

When I was young, I used to dream of moving to a big city and being an independent individual. I couldn’t wait to be able to assert my own personality and way of thinking without having to worry about what people would think of my upbringing or some stupid thing like that. Whenever I disagreed with people on things like racism and they wouldn’t listen to me, I would just take a deep breath, go to my room, and write songs, telling myself that I’d soon move to Toronto and all this will be over. It won’t matter…

The past few months have been very difficult. A lot has been going on and I can barely keep up. I feel frustrated and yet I’m finding it hard to formulate what hurts me so much. I want things to change faster, I want this to be over. So I shut myself out from the world (or somewhat) and all I did for the past month was go to work, get home, shower, write music or do nothing, go to bed, go to work… Today I realized that I’ve unconsciously gone back to the same coping mechanism. I’m telling myself not to sweat it because somehow, some day, it won’t matter.

BUT WAIT! I’m not going anywhere anymore. There’s no packing up to another country to start a brand new life. This is it.

Reason To Hate (03.07.12)

Ironic. Seems I started writing this about a year ago. It seems like there was not much progress in one  year. Not in the right direction anyway. 

March 7, 2012
We were in the middle of a pretty serious discussion and I was not very happy. Then the call dropped at the worst possible moment, time just right it could have been a hangup. I knew that his battery had just died. But being already upset, it’s as if I wanted there to be another explanation. It’s like I wanted to have a reason to call him a jerk and to hate him for hanging up on me. I quickly realized, as I discarded the message I was already starting to compose, that my reaction was silly. Obviously it was not his fault that his battery died. Right at once, little evil voices took up the bashing. “Why can’t he charge his battery properly?”. Silly questions that only make sense to someone trying to pick a fight. That’s exactly what I caught myself doing – picking a fight. And it made me wonder. How many times do we do that? How many times do our arguments escalate to the point where we are just arguing for the sake of arguing, where we will do or say anything to attack, where all we want is the other party to admit defeat and apologize. How many times have we let our annoyance explode into loathing then vengeance. This time I caught myself on time. There were times when I didn’t and I do feel bad when I think about them. Our emotions, our temper are so volatile.

Here again

I remember staying up late to write, furiously capturing memories while they are fresh. One day, I hoped, it could help me understand youth better. I remember staying up also because I wanted to listen to that song one more time. I remember believing in fate and “everything happens for a reason”. I remember hardly believing he was actually  flirting with me. I remember knowing it was doomed before it even started and still trying to go as far as I could. I was never one to leave stones unturned.  I am reminded that I’m now somewhere similar. Things will get better.  I will trust again some day. Maybe even faith. I just have to write my way through it. Another album or an anthology perhaps. 

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