Every time I get out of the subway and the train starts to leave, I rush to the wall or look away because it makes me somewhat dizzy. You know when the train is passing by and there’s a rush of wind and for a few seconds you wait for it to stop, and then continue with your day? Well, right now, it feels like this to me. Except that each wagon is a change to my life, and the train is that of change. It’s passing me real quick right now and I’m just kinda waiting for it to be gone so that things can be stable again. So that I can open my eyes again without worrying about dust stinging them. So that I don’t feel dizzy anymore.
I’ve always been pro-change and I encourage people to embrace it in my songs and posts. I do embrace it quite gracefully myself most of the time. But for the first time in ages, I just feel like I wanna go back in time and not deal with this. Change is scary. Especially when it means changing your lifestyle, your schedule, your environment (whether work or home), your social role and relationship with other people… And sometimes, we don’t realize it but other people are also affected by this train passing us by.
We jump in and accept that there will be changes because we believe that this change is necessary and its benefits will eventually outweigh the adaptation costs. And we hope that those around us will be there to support us despite these costs. Sometimes it’s not possible. Everyone has their own responsibilities overriding the importance of changes. This sometimes makes me feel overwhelmed. It makes me worry about the future and how my relationship with friends, relatives, etc will be affected and what I should do in order to preserve these precious relationships. The point is, despite all my pro-change talk, I’m still petrified by it sometimes. But I’m moving forward, because there is no way back.
After talking about it to someone I hold dear, I’ve figured out a way to maybe make it less overwhelming. Like reconnect with people I haven’t seen in a while, or getting a few good friends to help with little non-demanding things. Like going shopping together. Just interacting with people itself might be a good way of changing my perspective of things, taking the focus AWAY from my state of prolonged panic/helplessness as the train whooshes by for what seems like an eternity.
I really wish that someone in particular could be here to help me with it right now, but that is not really possible. I’ll just have to deal with it otherwise. If someone can’t help, others might. That particular person told me “Maybe you’re focused on the fact that I can’t be there, and you don’t see all the other people that are there for you in your life”. I guess it’s true. I’ve been trying to adapt to “the train” for a few weeks now, and it’s still the hardest thing ever. It’s still painful and frustrating and takes a toll on me every day. There are many a day when I feel like I’ll never see the end of the tunnel. But then I mentally shove myself into action and, instead of complaining, I try to accomplish small things that will bring me closer to that far away, almost invisible goal.
I know that I have to keep believing and keep pushing forward. It’s hard. But I can do it. I will.
Have you ever/ are you facing a train of change right now? If so, how did you/ how are you coping with it?